He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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