I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
