I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
