I need help removing her.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
