this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
