And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
