her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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