i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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