Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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