Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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