On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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