all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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