I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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