my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just had sex on a roof
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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