True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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