The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
