Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
