I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
