I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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