Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize