True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize