Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
