I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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