Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If I die, sorry about rent.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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