so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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