I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize