the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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