Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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