Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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