Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
