The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So drunk its hurt
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
