Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
