This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
