The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Randomize
