So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
