I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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