Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Alive.
So much puke
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
