My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
