he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
