we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
