guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
