u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize