Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
