Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Randomize
