Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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