Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
