i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
