Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
