I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize