I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
