I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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