Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
