first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize