pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize