I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Drunk is not a location!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
