Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
