The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
