It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
