i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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