Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
