I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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