i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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